Post-Bones Weekly Fan Fic Challenge 1
by 447bb
Summary: He'd live a thousand years, holding that secret inside his heart if it means he can keep her in his life. Because life with Bones, just as it is, is better than life with no Bones at all.


_So... this is my first time posting here! I've been around for years, but after Bones ending I've been missing it so much that I just started writing drabbles and thoughts and when I saw this challenge, I decided to give it a try :) It probably sucks but I decided to share either way, it doesn't hurt right? :)_

 _English is not my native language but I did try my best... hope it's still clear for whoever's reading!_

 _This is during S5, from Booth's POV. :)_

* * *

He felt coward.

No, he was coward.

He knew loving her had nothing to do with his tumor, neither to his coma dream. He has been stubborn, yes, he has been in denial, but every time he looked at her, every time his hand laid on her back to guide her somewhere, every time he went to the Jeffersonian to pick her up for lunch and found her looking at some remains completely unaware of the rest of the world, he knew it was more. He knew it was more than a partnership, more than a friendship. He knew every time he couldn't sleep without wanting to tell her goodnight, he knew every morning he wanted to bring her coffee even without having a case.

He knew he was walking way too close of the line they drew between them many years ago. But they weren't the same now, were they?

Maybe they could break that damn line, break all the remaining walls between them and just... be. God, the thought fills his heart. And, for a moment, he feels bad because allowing himself to think about it is dangerous. He loves her. He loves her so much and now that he's admitted that to himself, he could shout it from the rooftops. But he can't. He won't. She's too important for him to lose her. He'd live a thousand years, holding that secret inside his heart if it means he can keep her in his life. Because life with Bones, just as it is, is better than life with no Bones at all.

And he'd know if she loved him. He wasn't lying when he said it to Gordon Gordon. He saw how scared, in panic she was the moment he told her he loved her that night during their first case after his coma dream. That's when he cowardly added "...in a atta girl, kind of way".

Maybe he wasn't just coward, but weak too. He couldn't bear to hear the "no". He couldn't handle the rejection. Not her rejection. He wanted to keep that bubble around them, where they solve murders and bring justice and drink together in the end of the day. He wanted to keep seeing her smile every time she opens her front door in the morning, when he greets her with coffee. He wanted to keep bickering with her over lunch at the diner.

He has never felt more coward or weaker before. But he's not ready to risk what he built already with Temperance Brennan.

Even if that makes him keep those three words inside him forever.

-/-

He was going fine with his plan. Really, he was. He felt whole again, with his socks, flashier ties and his Cocky belt buckle. They were catching murders and solving cases, having glasses of wine at the end of day, playing retro games together and even spending Christmas together. Some days, she'd look at him and smile so wide that for a moment, just for a moment there, he could believe she loves him too.

But he couldn't believe it. He wouldn't.

He knows how the heart can fool someone in mysterious ways. In the end of the day, all that mattered is that she could smile like that to him again in the next day.

Maybe that's why he felt so whole.

Maybe that's why sometimes he felt he was going crazy.

He wasn't used to having so many mixed feelings - his partner, his Bones, would call it "a paradox" - but then again, it's the first he's feeling something like this. Rebecca had been different. He'd love her forever. But he never felt like he was falling from a cliff and over the moon at the same time. He never felt like he could scream and just be silent at the same time. He never felt like he could just kiss her and feel paralyzed at the same time.

Temperance Brennan was ruining him and saving his heart, all at once. And he couldn't stop. Even if he felt like he was going insane sometimes.

Probably someday he would really fall from that cliff. And the worst part is that he didn't care.

-/-

She was instantly asleep on the passenger's seat, right after they got in his SUV in the middle of the night. The plane trip from Roswell was calm and quick, but now they had a couple of more hours of travel on his car until her home.

He'd say it was the best night of his life until that moment. He felt like a teenager again sometimes at her side. Because suddenly watching the sky full of stars at the side of someone you love makes all the sense in the world. And she smiled so bright at him, so comfortable, so at ease, that he just wanted to hold her and kiss her. Tell her how much he loved her.

But he wouldn't. He was strong enough to keep this. He was going to be okay somehow.

He looked at Brennan asleep for a couple of seconds before focusing on the road again. She looked so peaceful sleeping, because she didn't have nothing to worry about; because she knew she was safe exactly where she was, with him. He liked that thought.

She looked so tiny and fragile, and, oh God, how he knew she wasn't tiny and fragile at all. She's the most amazing, strong, intelligent woman he has ever met; yet, she has that delicate and beautiful shape. That contrast in her is one of the things he loves the most about her.

He's so lost in that thought while driving, that when she shifts on the seat he's terrified he said it out loud. He takes a short peek at her and silently sighs in relief when he sees she's still deep asleep, curling her lip in the cutest way he has ever seen, and his heart fills with love again. They have shared beds before, he had caught her asleep before, why didn't he never seen Brennan doing that?

How many things about her doesn't he know?

How many things about her will make him fall in love even deeper, if that's even possible?

He feels uncomfortable now. And coward. And weak. And stupid. Especially stupid. How can he keep what he feels about her inside when he just wants to tenderly push the lock of her hair that fell on her cheek out of her face? How can he keep everything inside when her lips are curved in a light smile while she sleeps?

He focuses on the road again. At least the road is not distracting. He wishes there isn't that much traffic so he can be home quickly and not be left with this on his head.

He also wishes to see her sleeping soundly like that every night of the rest of his days.

-/-

When they arrive at her place, it's still dark, and she's still asleep. He really doesn't want to wake her up, but he also knows how she'll feel in the morning if she sleeps in a car seat, even though his SUV is as much comfortable as a car can be.

He tries to wake her up, as gently as he can. She shifts a bit, but doesn't wake up. He sighs. She could never make this easier on him, even asleep.

He decides to carry her to her apartment. It can't be that hard. He has done it before, he can do it again.

At least that is what he says to convince himself. He didn't think it through, because the moment he has her in his arms, still profoundly asleep, she pulls her head closer to his chest and he feels the smell of her shampoo and her perfume and he feels like that if she wasn't in his arms (because above all, even unconsciously to him, it's her well-being) his legs would give up right there. He tries not to think about it, when he carefully opens the door of the building and presses the button to the elevator with his elbow, while his partner keeps sleeping peacefully in his arms.

But all his senses are so painfully and blissfully aware of Brennan against him, and he wishes he could stop time because there's no place he'd rather be. He looks down to her face and she looks even more peaceful than she did in the whole travel. How is this possible? How didn't she wake up? He didn't know she was this tired. He was worried about that now. He'd ask her in the morning if she has been sleeping okay lately.

When they arrived at her front door, he felt proud he had remembered to keep her keys on his hand, so the process of opening the door wouldn't be as complicated with a grown woman sleeping in his arms.

He kicked softly the door shut with his foot and carried her to her bedroom, and laid her on the bed, carefully adjusting the pillow under her head. Knowing where she kept her blankets - he borrowed one before when he crashed in her place after a long case with lots of paperwork to do - he grabbed one and covered her with it.

He went to her kitchen to find a post-it where he could write her a note so she wouldn't be confused in the morning, and he came back to leave it in her nightstand, and when he looked at her, still deep asleep, now more wrapped in the blanket, he felt like he was falling in love all over again.

He let his thumb fall on her cheek and very quietly whispered "Goodnight Bones." She didn't move, and kept breathing so slowly that it's so easy to tell she hadn't waken up with his voice.

He stopped for a moment, looking at that woman. That beautiful, infuriating, amazing, strong and intelligent woman. With the biggest heart muscle, with her blue eyes, with her laugh that he could hear every second of his days until the end of his life. And, for a moment there, he allowed himself to imagine if she would have looked like this in the morning after that first night, after their first kiss, if they had gone home together. He smiled to himself. As always, she was right. He would never have regrets about it.

"I love you." He held his breath. It was a whisper, but loud enough in the middle of the silence that was in her room in the night. The words left his lips with no control, he didn't even think about it, they were just there, ready to flow as if they came directly from his heart. Which they did.

He was scared for a moment, but he saw in the way that she kept sleeping with that curled lip again - he'd never be able to delete that beautiful image from his mind. Like he would ever want to delete it.

He allowed himself to breathe again, and walked towards the door. He grabbed the door handle quietly, looking at her one last time. And then he left, a tiny smile on his face and shiny eyes.

He'd live a thousand years, holding that secret inside his heart if it meant he can keep her in his life.

But some words are way too much powerful to remain unsaid.

* * *

 _so, anybody there? was it too bad? I'd love to hear your thoughts :)_


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